First-Time Mom Questions

• Why do diapers have so much stuff printed on them? Is it just the expensive ones? Are they expensive because they print so much junk on them?
• Why would there be a product recall on a product that is not actually being recalled, but rather consumers are being offered stickers that read something along the lines of "do not leave baby unattended"?
• Why does Pedialyte have a color? Does the toddler really care if the "fruit flavor" is orange? Is the food coloring used to make it easier to identify it within your baby's vomit when they throw it back up?
• If the "upside" of my baby catching every communicable disease while in daycare is that it boosts his immunity, then why the hell am I getting sick too? I went to school for many many years, so shouldn't I never be sick again?
• How is it possible that a 17-pound, 26-inch person generates more dirty laundry than a one-hundred and ni......than a grown person?
• Of all the interesting things present and within my son's reach, why does he always always manage to choose the thing most dangerous?
• Why hasn't someone invented a quiet breast pump?
• If I am my baby's legal guardian and diaper ointment can be purchased over the counter, why am I required to get a doctor's signature to have someone at the daycare center put diaper ointment on my baby's butt? (Okay, I mean I guess I know why, but please.)
• Why does spit up only appear minutes after I have vigorously burped my baby over a burp cloth? Why does it only land on dry-clean-only work clothes? And how is it so stealth?
• Have you tasted rice cereal?
• Why hasn't someone invented a pacifier for babies that is shaped like baby toes?
• Can medical science please find a way to inoculate my son from disease that does not require multiple injections?
• When does all this teething result in actual teeth?
• Will my baby be healthy and fever-free for more than 7 straight days this fall?
• How was I supposed to guess "ear infection" when he had a fever for four days, threw up once, cried and cried and cried (and Bird is not a crier), but never once pulled on his ears?
• Why do they flavor antibiotics to taste like bubble gum? What do dentists think about this?
• Why is it that the only apparent genetic link between my baby and me is horribly sensitive skin?
• Could it be possible that I put antiperspirant on only my left pit two days in a row?