Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Women can be awful. I hate to generalize or stereotype, but honestly, women can be downright awful -- and especially to other women.

Have I ranted here about feminism? Why are people (especially women) afraid of that word? Why don't people (women included) understand what that word means? I spoke very briefly at a colleague's retirement party and told a story about how he actually helped to make me a better feminist. To start the story, I stated simply "I am a feminist." I was hoping it was kind of a funny story. People laughed. It was fine. Afterward a woman (a professor, no less) came up to me to ask me "Are you really a feminist? I was so surprised to hear you say that." Huh? It was like I had stated my name and taken that first step and admitted to a room full of people who go by first names only that I am a feminist.

All of this is a roundabout path to my main theme here -- women who are mothers making proclamations about how all other women should mother. Have you seen this yet? If you don't read the Atlantic or if you don't follow news on breastfeeding, you may not have seen the article that started this for me. (And since it takes me months now to get a post up, it is likely now old news, and probably not appropriate for Mothers Day...)

The Case Against Breast-Feeding by Hanna Rosin

I'm not even sure what to say about the article anymore. It makes me angry and sad at the same time. Basically, Rosin does a cursory run through some of the literature about the possible benefits of breastfeeding. She concludes that there are no scientific data to support the benefits of breastfeeding, therefore, women should not breastfeed. Her line of reasoning makes me angry.

Rosin also spends time discussing/revealing the pressure she feels to breastfeed. Even though she believes that there are no data to support the benefits of breastfeeding, she does it anyway. And she feels bad about it. And she seems to blame medical professionals and other women for this --

I could not bring myself to stop breast-feeding—too many years of Sears’s conditioning, too many playground spies. So I was left feeling trapped, like many women before me, in the middle-class mother’s prison of vague discontent.

Give me a break. If you do not wish to breastfeed, if breastfeeding is not working for you and your baby (the only people who should be considered in this equation), if breastfeeding is not possible, if you have made the choice to not breastfeed (for whatever reason), then do not breastfeed. Simple. Are women so impressionable and weak that they do things even against their own judgment because of "playground spies"? This is the part that makes me sad.

What's worse, she implies that all women -- particularly privileged women in first-world countries -- should opt to not breastfeed due to the lack of scientific evidence strong enough to convince Rosin that it is the right thing to do.

Given what we know so far, it seems reasonable to put breast-feeding's health benefits on the plus side of the ledger and other things -- modesty, independence, career, sanity -- on the minus side, and then tally them up and make a decision. But in this risk-averse age of parenting, that's not how it's done.

It's not? Why not? Because women are afraid of what other people might think of them?

Judith Warner of The New York Times added to the discussion with a piece called Ban the Breast Pump. I read it thinking that she was taking an extreme position to make a point. She concludes the piece with

In fact, I hope that some day, not too long in the future, books on women’s history will feature photos of breast pumps to illustrate what it was like back in the day when mothers were consistently given the shaft. Future generations of female college students will gaze upon the pumps, aghast.

“Did you actually use one of those?” they’ll ask their mothers, in horror.

And the moms, with a shudder, will proudly say no.

Given the shaft indeed. Women who have work outside of the home, and choose to continue to offer breast milk to their children, and have the flexibility at work (if not also legal protections) to pump at work are given the shaft. What is the point of this debate? What if we focused on the reality that the choice to use a breast pump is framed in the context of a woman having to make this choice since family leave is limited in this country. Talk about a shaft. And what if a woman stays at home but chooses to use a pump to regulate her milk production and/or allow other loved ones and caregivers to feed the baby? What if she pumps because her baby is not able to nurse due to a medical or physical condition? Again, a shaft indeed.

The key word throughout this is choice -- a dangerous word when discussing women and their bodies.

Most data indicate that breast milk is better than formula. This does not mean that breast milk is the only good choice and formula is evil. Women need to educate themselves, consider the factors that impact their choice, and make that choice. If pumping is so awful, don't do it. If you are not comfortable nursing, don't do it. Some of these discussions about feeling pressure to parent or mother in certain ways makes me wonder if most women would jump off a bridge if Dr. Sears told them to.

When will women take responsibility for their choices regarding their pregnancies and mothering and not worry about what everyone else thinks? When will women focus their anger and energy on reforming the sad state of family leave in this country instead of on their judgment of the choices other women make?

Shortly after I was comfortable enough being public about my pregnancy with Bird, I learned that many women (and, to be fair, some men) want to know everything about your pregnancy and parenting plans and are comfortable offering advice, and, in some cases, passing judgment.

On how my child was conceived -- "So your baby isn't natural?"
On my plan for childbirth -- "Oh, I didn't take any drugs."
On the consumption of caffeine, tuna, soft cheese, alcohol, et al. while pregnant or nursing -- "It's harmful to the baby."
On the use of pacifiers or bottles -- "Nipple confusion!"
On sleeping arrangements -- "Babies should sleep in their own crib" and "Your baby should sleep with you."
On textiles and toys -- "You really should choose only organic cotton and renewable wood..."

The list is lengthy -- disposable or cloth diapers, plastic or glass bottles, when to start solid foods, homemade solid foods or store bought, baby wearing, diaper ointments, crying it out....and let's not even mention the debate on vaccinations....

But I was trying to comment on the breastfeeding debate.

A blogger for the Chicago Tribune, Judith Graham entered the conversation with a piece titled Science Supports Breast-Feeding But it's a Woman's Choice. She wrote a succinct critique of Rosin's and Warner's contributions. On Rosin, she posits that

Rosin’s real gripe is that the benefits of breast-feeding have been oversold, making moms guilty if they chose to feed their babies formula. Without question, mistakes have been made.

The mistakes she is referring to were the ads in 2006 that depicted mothers who choose not to breastfeed as mothers who were actually harming their babies. Yes, a mistake. I think she is right in particular about "making moms feel guilty." Rosin needs to decide that others can't make her feel guilty -- that guilt is not a reason why she should do something she doesn't want to do and is certainly not reason enough for other women to not do what she doesn't want to do.

Graham concludes that Warner

understands the real argument here is about women who feel put-upon by all the expectations associated with modern motherhood. For her, the symbol is the breast pump, that device that lets women give breast milk to infants even when they’re at work. Clearly, something is missing in that picture.

But again, the problem isn’t with the science behind breast-feeding. It’s with what people make of it.

Yes, exactly -- what people make of it. Most of the comments I read that were posted in reply to these articles and posts and in myriad other blogs contained some sort of personal statement such as "I breastfed...." "I exclusively breastfed..." "I was not able to breastfeed due to health, work, etc." "I tried to breastfeed, but...." Most of these also included some sort of statement that everything turned out okay.

So, why should breastfeeding be viewed so negatively? Why does breastfeeding have to be measurably better than formula to justify that choice? In all of the complaining about being trapped at 2am with a baby attached to her breast, why did no one mention the convenience of whipping out a boob to nourish or calm a baby? Why was the cost of the wonderful formulas that are available today not factored in? Why didn't the discussion include the need for flexible work situations that would allow women more freedom in their choices about how to nourish their babies?

Why can't we agree that breastfeeding (or not breastfeeding) is not for every mother? A mother can choose not to breastfeed, but still offer breast milk. A mother can choose not to breastfeed, but offer breast milk that is not her own! A mother can choose not to breastfeed, but offer one of the formulas made today with technology much better than when many of us were young. Have you looked at the choices in formula and how they are packaged? There are countless choices and options for feeding infants today with convenient and healthy formula.

What's important is that in the end, each of these choices is a viable choice to raise healthy, happy children. What's important, is that each of these truly is a choice that women and their parenting partners need to make for themselves and their children without pressure or judgment from other women.

I wish we could learn how to get along and support each other in our choices.

Happy Mothers Day!