Missing Person Report

What happened to February? How did I miss it with an extra day this year?

To my regular readers, mea culpa. I cannot believe that I have not posted since January 27. I have been aware of my lack of posting, but had no idea that it had gotten this bad. I have started a few blogs on paper over the last couple of weeks, only to abandon them later. With each day it got easier to just not write.

I really have no excuse except to say that I haven't been myself lately.

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and wondered who the hell you were? Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday wondering why you were doing what you were doing and thinking that you were really supposed to be somewhere else?

I know it sounds juvenile -- and I should point out here that my family has had its share of mental/emotional unhealthiness -- but lately I have found myself missing. I have found myself lacking.

If I had to pick a cause (read, excuse) for this, I would have to say it is my employment situation. I never realized before how much what you do for a living can be self-defining. I have never been more afraid of the common question "what do you do?" I never knew how much I had tied my self-worth and identity to my employment status and situation. I have never felt more frustration than when trying to explain to someone what I wish I were doing.

I am selfish and self-centered enough to still wonder why it is that I can't find a job that would allow me to do the thing that I love most, that I worked so hard for, that people close to me suffered for. Blood, sweat, tears, thousands of miles, years of working, and tens of thousands of dollars went into those degrees -- and that doesn't even match the work, support, and patience of the people around me.

I was arrogant enough to think a few months ago that I could readjust my search and apply for ESL teaching jobs at community colleges and get a job that would get me back in the classroom, get my feet wet again, get a paycheck, get something on the CV (academic resume) again, and perhaps even inspire me and stabilize my schedule enough to allow me to write and get published and therefore be able to get that teaching/research position next year.

I prepared all the application materials and wonderful people who support me year after year wrote letters for me and printed and mailed stuff for me. I updated our voicemail message, I kept my email program open all day, I checked to make sure my suit still fits -- nothing. Not a phone call, not an email, not a form-letter rejection.

Who was I kidding?

I let all of this Sturm und Drang infect all aspects of my life. Nothing could make me happy, nothing could fulfill me, hours were spent feeling sorry for myself and not doing anything about it. I couldn't even find a little joy in writing short blogs about the tchotchke of life such as laundry, vacuums, and hot dogs.

I get, God, I get it. Can we move on now?

God should just send me an email telling me to tone down the pride and realize that not everything comes easily. Sending the message this way really sucks. How about a memo?

TO: Kate
FROM: God
RE: The New Path I Have Chosen For Your Life, And How To Get There

I’m thinking now that maybe my plan, my dream job, my schedule are not what is best for me. It's time to refocus and just do what I love to do -- whether someone hires me to do it or not. I have a massive dissertation that should be streamlined and revitalized into a manuscript for publication. I have tons of ideas for a textbook that friends and colleagues have asked me to do for a few years now. I have opportunities to work with individual learners offering chances for me to refresh my teaching skills and rewrite my materials -- perhaps a case study!

I should note here that most of these ideas are David's. He works all day and then comes home to deal with me. He never shows me anger or frustration -- only support and understanding when most other people would have tossed me out the window by now.

I have never liked the word surrender, but I've been hearing it in the back of my head lately. I remember some time back that some women had written a book and used the term surrender to refer to how women should operate in their marriages and families. It caused quite an uproar -- and this was before the "The Rules" fiasco. I remember hearing the authors try to defend their use of the word surrender. Even though I still thought the premise of the book was crap, I remembering thinking that they could have done a better job explaining their take on the word.

Surrender doesn't have to be giving up or submitting -- I'm thinking now that it can mean yielding or releasing.

That's what I'm doing here. Consider the white flag raised, God. It's time to meet and begin discussing plans for occupation and reconstruction.